Scientists Discover New Dick!

Excitement in the scientific community today as a new kind of male phallus was discovered.

The so-called 'Helicopter Dick' has never been photographed. This artists impression is the first drawing ever made.

Pub goers have been warned to avoid helicopter dicks if they see them in the urinals.

British Airways Staff Strike Over Ash

BA cabin crew have announced they are to go on strike until a volcano erupting in Iceland stops and sorts itself out.

According to sources at BA staff are worried about getting ash in their hair and that it might get their nice planes all dirty.

A BA spokesman said "We don't want everyone looking out the window at an amazing natural phenomenon anyway - we want people to be focussed on enjoying our amazing customer service so they remember how sh*t by comparison Ryanair is."

BA staff have been joined in their action by all the other major carriers. They say they will resume normal service when that volcano thing sorts itself out and not before because it's being so naughty.

Gordon Brown Has Big Erection

The other day Gordon Brown announced that being hung in parliament is now a possibility as he plans to have a big erection on May 6th.

Further details to follow.

Solution to Overpopulated Prisons and Energy Crisis

It has occurred to me that the media keep harking on about:

Overcrowded Prisons - too many folk locked up

Obesity Crisis - we're all eating too much cake

Energy Shortage - either we need more batteries or a Nuclear Power Station or ten.

Now it seems to me the solution to all these problems is simple - get all the folk in the prisons on exercise bikes generating energy for the national grid - it will keep them slim and mean we don't need to start illegal wars for oil. Sorted.

Next time I'll sort out global warming...

Fan Finds Jacko on Toast

In an unbelievable new twist to the ongoing news story about Michael Jackson meeting Elvis, one fan has found an amazing lifelike image of the king of pop on a piece of toast.

The burnt bread can be found climbing up the rankings on pointless auction site ebay. It is believed gory souvenir hunters are responsible for the popularity of this item and similar items including a single white glove, which the seller claims has a crusty white stain that can be seen under UV light.

Since his death Michael Jackson now occupies every spot in every music chart in every country of the world - apart from Finland, where Eiffel 65 have been at number one for the last 10 years with "I'm Blue abu dabby doo (etc.)"

Experts believe the emergence of this piece of toast is a further sign that there are a lot of Michael Jackson fans who will be exploited by his demise.