Sir James's Celebrity News

British Airways Staff Strike Over Ash

2010-04-18T16:34:00.004+01:00

BA cabin crew have announced they are to go on strike until a volcano erupting in Iceland stops and sorts itself out.

According to sources at BA staff are worried about getting ash in their hair and that it might get their nice planes all dirty.

A BA spokesman said "We don't want everyone looking out the window at an amazing natural phenomenon anyway - we want people to be focussed on enjoying our amazing customer service so they remember how sh*t by comparison Ryanair is."

BA staff have been joined in their action by all the other major carriers. They say they will resume normal service when that volcano thing sorts itself out and not before because it's being so naughty.

Gordon Brown Has Big Erection

2010-04-09T23:57:00.002+01:00

The other day Gordon Brown announced that being hung in parliament is now a possibility as he plans to have a big erection on May 6th.

Further details to follow.

Solution to Overpopulated Prisons and Energy Crisis

2009-12-09T11:05:00.003Z

It has occurred to me that the media keep harking on about:

Overcrowded Prisons - too many folk locked up

Obesity Crisis - we're all eating too much cake

Energy Shortage - either we need more batteries or a Nuclear Power Station or ten.

Now it seems to me the solution to all these problems is simple - get all the folk in the prisons on exercise bikes generating energy for the national grid - it will keep them slim and mean we don't need to start illegal wars for oil. Sorted.

Next time I'll sort out global warming...

Fan Finds Jacko on Toast

2009-07-06T14:01:00.003+01:00

In an unbelievable new twist to the ongoing news story about Michael Jackson meeting Elvis, one fan has found an amazing lifelike image of the king of pop on a piece of toast.

The burnt bread can be found climbing up the rankings on pointless auction site ebay. It is believed gory souvenir hunters are responsible for the popularity of this item and similar items including a single white glove, which the seller claims has a crusty white stain that can be seen under UV light.

Since his death Michael Jackson now occupies every spot in every music chart in every country of the world - apart from Finland, where Eiffel 65 have been at number one for the last 10 years with "I'm Blue abu dabby doo (etc.)"

Experts believe the emergence of this piece of toast is a further sign that there are a lot of Michael Jackson fans who will be exploited by his demise.

Pet Food Takes Cannes Prize

2009-05-25T13:05:00.004+01:00

The top prize at the Cannes festival was won this weekend by 'Moist and Meaty', highly commended by judges for their use of original packaging.

Criticism from critics this year centered around the dominance of cylindrical tin entries. The fact that this years winner was literally a dog's dinner is being seen as a new direction for the prize which has been seen as out of touch in the way it has previously treated pet food.

A spokesman for Fray Bentos, which took second prize for Billy Elliot sequel "T' Tinned Pies", congratulated the winners for their innovative approach and dogged determination.

Unusally for Cannes there were no Spam or Corned beef entries this year.

Norway Harpoons Eurovision Records

2009-05-18T11:29:00.004+01:00

Following the explosive record breaking victory of 12 year old superstar singer Alexander Rybak at the Eurovision song contest on Saturday night, officials from Norway's pro-whaling commission have confirmed the Euro star will now be used to promote Norway's whaling activity internationally.

"Who better to spearhead a campaign to increase the popularity of whaling amongst young people in Europe. We're really excited about Alexander's follow up song 'whale of a time a hunting ' and the potential it has for bringing this historic sport to a whole new audience."

Norway is allowed to hunt and kill a limited amount of Minke whales because they are much uglier than most other whales and can't do party tricks like killer whales.

80's British Suffering Takes USA by Storm!

2009-05-18T10:55:00.000+01:00

The American stage version of the British documentary film Billy Elliot has won just about every award going at a showbiz ceremony in Hollywood-themepark Americaland.

Despite a picket line by anti-coal mining pressure groups, the harrowing true tale of a boy who had to live in England during the Thatcher years captivated audiences and caught the attention of judges.

Some industry experts have commented that the award of this prize adds further weight to the argument that things weren't so good 'back in them days'. Billy Elliot is the true story of a boy form the North of England who doesn't want to work in a coal mine.

Despite causing an uproar at the time, the story of Billy Elliot has been an inspiration to literally tens of children from the North of England who have gone into jobs in manufacturing and other manual labour rather than traditional coal mining.

Theatre Company 'Unable to see out of Fringe'

2009-05-07T17:01:00.000+01:00

Following last year's ticketing debarcle where one company actually had to issue tickets from their own arse, the Edinburgh Fringe has again been hit by controversy - this time surrounding accustaions that the popular arts festival has become too big and self-important.

One theatre company who wished to remain anonymous had this to say "It's all very well being part of the biggest arts festival in the world, but what is the point of being here if we get stuck in this bubble and can't see what's going on in the real world."

Criticisms that the Fringe has got too big have been more common in recent years, with rumours that the esoteric Fringe Society are set to introduce their own currency, flag and 'national anthem' for the festival in 2010. In a version of Macbeth in 2006 the actor playing Macbeth complained he could not see Birnam wood approaching Dunsinane Castle during the show as an international touring act doing a silent version of Hamlet had stuck posters over his eyes.

Despite growing year on year, the festival keeps attracting more performers and companies. The predicted size of the 2009 Edinurgh Fringe means that in August there will be a Carol Churchill play for every man, woman and child in the world, with an average audience size of 2.4 children.

However, whether the festival is to become a victim of it's own success or not, we will just have to wait and see.

Turner Prize Won by Snake

2009-05-07T14:22:00.000+01:00

In a shock move judges for this year's Turner Prize decided to abandon conceptual art totally and give the award, usually reserved for art school drop outs, to a snake instead.

A spokesman for the organisers confirmed they wanted to distance themselves from accusations of elitism that the award had attracted in the past. Previously the award has been won by half a shark, but this is the first time a whole animal has been given the award.

"We felt that this new direction would help to attract advertisers by galvanising more support amongst 18-30 year old men men." A spokesman for the Tate confirmed. The snake is pictured here claiming the prize in person from Turner.

Early reports from the BBC suggest Turner may be asked to return her Blue Peter badge in light of the news.

Amy Winehouse Diner to Open

2009-05-07T13:29:00.000+01:00

News reports this week have not confirmed that Amy Winehouse will be opening her own chain of Little Chef style restaurants.

Amy herself has stayed silent on the issue of whether she is moving from the world of showbiz to catering. Name suggestions for the new restaurant chain have included "Amy Old Burger", "Soul Food" and "Winehouse's Winehouses".

Fan of the music of Amy Winehouse need not worry about missing out on the music of their favourite star as unconfirmed reports have suggested the bistro-style dining experience will include karaoke on Friday nights.